I have been tasked to find a way to keep people from dying. Not sure how I got the tap, but tapped I have been. I will not shirk my world citizen responsibility!

In light of my new task, I have amassed a cursory list of potential items to be used in saving at least a life:

• Spoons
• Mayonaisse
• Peanut butter
• Cheese
• Paper clips
• Duct tape

Because let’s face it … what life-saving list would be complete without duct tape?

In my non-medical/engineering mind, there must be a way to combine those items to make something that will indeed save someone’s life. At first glance, I imagine that the spoon/peanut butter combo would be the most effective spring board, but then again, the duct tape and mayo might be equally useful. I’m not sure how cheese comes into play, though I’m sure I’ve seen some MacGyver or CSI ep where cheese was used to do something BIG. I just can’t remember which show it was. And yes–it does indeed matter because obviously that will make a difference. If cheese were used in CSI, then somebody died of fromagian bludgeoning. If it was used on MacGyver, then it was probably transformed into something like C4 and used to blow a hole in the side of a bank vault to free a group of hostages from the Sandanistas. Or something.

But I digress.

Meanwhile, I have broken out my iPhone whiteboard so I can start drafting instructions on how to use the aforementioned items to save a life. In the interim, everybody quit dying.